How to Start Exercising: A Version for Those Who Don’t Believe in Miracles

You look in the mirror in the morning and realize that your physical form resembles slightly melted jelly. Or you climb to the third floor and your heart behaves as if you’ve just run an ultramarathon. The thought of a gym gives you a nervous twitch, and the word “workout” makes you want to submerge yourself indefinitely, like a submarine.

Let us call things by their proper names. No sweet fairy tales about becoming Apollo in two weeks. Only facts, irony, and practical strategies.

But first, allow me to present a few micro-stories from your near future:

1. Three weeks from now, you’ll catch yourself choosing the stairs over the elevator—automatically—and without gasping. It will feel both strange and pleasantly surprising.
2. After a month, you won’t see a six-pack, but you will notice muscle tone. And that will tickle your pride enough to make you want more.
3. After your first competent training session, you’ll discover that muscle soreness is not punishment but a pleasant reminder that you did something. It’s almost like a hangover after a good party—only this one is useful.
4. One day, you’ll skip a workout and feel uncomfortable. Your body will start requesting the activity on its own.
   
   

Ready? Let’s begin.

Mental Adjustment: Does Your Body Even Need This?

Rest assured, you will not die if you never train your biceps. But you also won’t truly live. Our organism is a clever slacker: it dreams of sprawling on a couch and hoarding energy “just in case.” At the same time, it is a brilliant biological system that immediately begins to malfunction the moment you stop moving.

Scientists speak of the “numbers of a healthy human”: blood pressure, cholesterol, blood sugar, and body mass index. Think of these as a pre-flight checklist before a mission to Mars. If the indicators are normal—excellent. If not—your body is already yelling “SOS,” but you cannot hear it over the crunching of your chips.

Here lies the paradox: exercise is a form of stress. But precisely this stress makes you stronger, harder, and better prepared for life’s petty tragedies—like a bus that drives off just as you reach the stop.

The Zero-Program: Where to Start if Your Main Sport Is Clicking a Mouse

The first and most important rule: don’t kill yourself at the beginning. You are not aiming for the Olympics—you’re simply trying to put yourself in order. The classic beginner’s mistake is giving 200% effort on day one, then shuffling around like a zombie for two days, hating all living things.

What scientists advise: you can start with three sessions per week, 30–60 minutes each. That’s it. Basically two Netflix episodes—except instead of lying on the couch, you’re investing in yourself.

Beginner-Friendly Options That Require Zero Heroism

1. Swimming. Ideal for those who feel self-conscious about their body or have joint issues. It is like being weightless—you train all your muscles and do not sweat. Also, this is a life-sustaining skill.
2. Cross-country skiing / Nordic walking. If you live somewhere with winter. Not a “sport for retirees,” but a serious cardiovascular workout outdoors that engages your whole body. Plus: forest, fresh air, birds… or, in a city park, dogs and screaming children—your choice.
3. Home workouts. Wall push-ups (yes, they count), squats, planks. The internet is full of tutorials showing how to do them correctly. Your task is not to become a calisthenics guru in a week, but simply to begin.
   
   

A fun numerical fact: the first visible aesthetic results appear in 3–4 weeks, not three days. Remember this when you don’t see abs on day two.

Pain: Your New Friend or Foe?

After your first workout, you will meet delayed-onset muscle soreness—the kind that makes laughing and sneezing extreme sports.

Here is the revelation: this pain is entirely normal. It does not mean you have torn yourself apart. It means your muscles are rebuilding and strengthening. If the discomfort becomes excessive, here is a trick: heat. A hot shower, sauna, or steam bath. After 24 hours, light activity—such as a brisk walk—helps the muscles clear out their “industrial residue.”

To Eat or Not to Eat—That Is the Question

You may work yourself to death in the gym, but if you compensate with pizza and cola afterwards, the result will resemble a “spherical horse in a vacuum”—in other words, it will not exist.

Here is the ironic truth: you do not need a model’s diet or a bodybuilder’s meal plan. You need one simple rule: eat about as much as you expend. More vegetables, fruits, grains, poultry, and fish. Less alcohol and junk food (yes, that burger you ate yesterday was delicious, but nutritionally useless).

A special note on water: drink it.
30–40 minutes before training—300–400 ml.
During exercise—drink if you feel like it.
Dehydration is not “hardcore”; it is the path to dizziness and zero progress.

The Most Important Secret

All the advice, workout tips, and nutrition plans are meaningless without one element: consistency.

Sport is not a sprint where you give everything once. It is a marathon. A habit. Like brushing your teeth in the morning—you force yourself at first, and later you cannot imagine skipping it.

“O Sport, You Are Peace!”

Your body was created to move. Without movement, you will not be productive at work, successful in your career, or—let’s be honest—even confident in your personal life. This is not poetic exaggeration; it is physiology.

So stop reading. Choose one thing—
a brisk walk,
ten squats,
or signing up for the pool.

Do it today—not next Monday.

Your body is already waiting for this stress.
Give it what it wants.